This is definitely worth reading….Cynthia you are a miracle to say the least. Your story is an inspiration to all struggling with addiction. Thank you for choosing the Anaheim Lighthouse.
This happened there last year. I am eternally grateful for the gift of sobriety so freely given to me. God Bless you all!
March 15, 2014
Good Morning Loved Ones,
For yrs. now I have been playing God & praying to God for purpose, & for my entire life I have been wondering what my purpose is? Why am I here? What is required of me? Anything? I’ve only truly learned a few small things in my 57 yrs. on the planet, there always seems to be more questions than answers. So, 1 of the few small things but an ultra-important thing nonetheless is where to find all the answers. I’ve found all my answers from God. Yes I said “God”, to all the unbelievers and believers as well. My experience in life’s travels have shown me that folks will listen and many even come to believe in a Creator of the Universe, but start talking about Satan, the devil, the Evil one, and they’re outta there, I’ve lost it, I’m fruit loops, nuts, crazy, fanatic, lunatic, idiot and so on, that’s fine, what ppl think of me is none of my business. Last night I watched an Oprah Prime time I believe that’s the name of one of her programs and the talk was about Heroin use, Heroin increase in the United States, Heroin deaths, recent Celebrity Heroin Deaths; i.e.; Cory Monteith, Amy Winehouse, and Phillip Seymour Hoffman. Russell Brand was on and being a lifelong heroin addict myself I hung on his every word and what he had to say was not only profound to Oprah but profound wisdom to us all. Addicts are not yucky icky eeewww criminals, we are spiritually sick, spiritually ‘bankrupt’ human beings, and when humans are spiritually bankrupt, they are also mentally, emotionally and physically bankrupt as well, because w/o the ‘food for the spirit’ the body cannot survive. I loved what Russell said about addicts having a brain that’s out to kill them because we do, a brain that’s constantly lying to us about how no good pieces of sh*t we are, no good to anyone not even ourselves, you’re nothin’ but a junkie, you’ll always be a junkie, why don’t we just jump in the ocean, negative, negative, negative unending brain talk. Self-hatred. Sensitive. Russell also talked about the importance of addicts helping other addicts to get well, to get better, to encourage and support them, to treat them like you would treat a ‘sick’ friend. With love and compassion, tenderness and care. Russell touched on “one day at a time”, total abstinence, and recovery. This approach seems to work for many addicts, has been proven over the years. I was told to take the cotton out of my ears and put it in my mouth. I was told I didn’t know jack, & I didn’t. I didn’t even know how to put the plug in the jug so-to-speak. I did learn some good things in ‘recovery’. I even believe that recovery programs are ‘gifts’ from God to so many as they were to me for several years. Until last April, 2013. I had been ‘inside the boxing ring’ with my disease for many years straight, and ‘it’, my disease, was winning as always. I was beaten to a pulp, as always. When I thought I would die year after year in this battle and wanted so desperately to die so that I would not have to endure these beat downs another minute, Jesus spoke. Yes, He speaks to me, so does God. God calls me “you child of little faith,” and Jesus said to me last April, “Child! Why are you fighting a battle that’s already been won?” I thought to myself that’s a really good question. Although my addiction, still not uncovered by anyone including myself was just one big never ending party in the beginning, by my 20’s I was so strung-out I’d sell my own soul for another ‘shot’, ‘hit’, ‘toke’, ‘jolt’. It soon morphed into this giant scary evil beast that would not allow a moments rest, a gigantic ball & chain attached to me that I drug around and around and around. A force to be reckoned with every waking moment of every solitary day. Waiting, pacing like a lion in a cage.
A master that demanded my service to it, making all sorts of promises, telling all forms of lies. A misery so deep like scars upon my soul. Creating in me mountains of guilt and shame and as long as I carried that baggage with me I would never stop using. I used drugs to mask the guilt and shame, the drug use caused the guilt and shame, vicious spiral into total darkness. I hit my knees and cried out to the Creator of all things, “HELP me”, Please. Sheesh! My favorite word, ‘sheesh’. Anywho, I was born an addict, some might say, “It’s in my genes”. It is. This demon of addiction gripping us with grotesque claws that refuse to let go, the harder I squirm to get free the deeper its claws dig into me. I have slit my wrists, I have hung myself in a jail cell with my bed sheet, I have overdosed too many times to count. I’ve had doctors stand around my hospital bed and say to me “we don’t know why you’re here, there is no medical explanation for you. You have enough drugs in your body to kill 12 grown men.” I have totaled so many cars and homes, and apartments, trailers and people. I often wondered where sis all this ‘see red, blind rage’ come from. Why am I so unbelievably wrathful? I was a thief and a liar, and a good one. I would steal your dope and help you look for it. I pawned my mother’s wedding rings for a fix. I pawned everything. I was a prostitute on the streets of Phoenix for many years, supporting my addictions. I’ve been beaten to within an inch of my life by dealers who thought I ripped them off, I’ve been raped, and I’ve been gang raped not once but 4 times. I didn’t report it because I believed I asked for it. I would rip off my ‘johns’, and I lived from fix to fix. I knew there was no other way. My motto was “Reality is for people who can’t handle DRUGS!” I would sing the “Volare” car song using these words, “Narcotics, whoa oh oh oh, narcotics, whoa oh oh oh . . . . . . .” I was once arrested for prostitution, I weighed 91 pounds, all I had eaten in three weeks was some watermelon and beers. I was, so the song goes, living on ‘Reds, vitamin C, and Cocaine’. I told the cop, you just saved a life. . . . . . OMGosh which brings this recollection back to life; the withdrawal. When every cell in your body screams for more, more, more. I used to say, “Heroin & Cocaine are My drugs of choice”. Now I know deep down in my soul that “More” was my drug of choice, the best drugs to me were “Free” and “More”, those were my drugs of choice. Then there were my drinking days, when I was 7’ tall and bullet proof, by the way. So many times I didn’t remember driving home. Went out to check if my car was wrecked or there were any body parts hanging out the grill! The mornings I woke to think to myself, “who are you?”, “where are my clothes?”, “where is my car?” “How did I get here?” Its 157 miracles I did not kill someone or myself innumerable times. I did 10 years in prison, 2 ½ years in ‘the hole’ solitary confinement. All behind DRUGS. I sold to two undercover narcotics officers. Detective Dusty Dehere was one I will never forget. These cops got high with me and when I told the Judge that they got high with me, the Judge stated, “These officers are highly trained to simulate getting high”. Simulate my ass! Capital punishment is for those with no capital. TaDa! Go to jail, go directly to jail, do not pass go, and do not collect $200. I kicked methadone cold turkey on a concrete floor in a county jail and I will never forget it. I wanted to die so bad. Was begging someone to just shoot me.
I kicked and groaned and moaned with no sleep soaking my sheets burning up and freezing at the same time for 6 weeks straight. Didn’t really feel partly okay for 8-10 weeks. Got out went right back and got some more. I was trading sex for morphine with one of the guards. I was also bringing drugs into prison through property, mail & food boxes. I was making “Hooch” in prison. Any way to get high. I used to think when I looked at glue sniffers, paint huffers, gas huffers, and alcoholics drinking hair spray and sunblock while incarcerated, “I’m not that bad, I’m not as bad as them, and they’re the real alcoholics/addicts.” HA! Violated every parole and probation I was ever on. I couldn’t stay outta the slammer! My mom would say, “You must like it there, you keep going back”.
Yesterday, the Holy Spirit whispered, (well just the day before I prayed for teaching, guidance, direction, Purpose!) write Cynthia about your life, tell your story. Reach out to another addict, for one addict helping another is how this works. IDK how my story which is not unlike millions of others will help anyone but God knows. I just want to be obedient. I just want to have purpose. Even in some small way. I prayed for cleansing; oh boy did I have some fire to walk through.
The veils that shield mine eyes are slowly being lifted, one, and then another. Last year a real life Demon was removed from me in a dream, I believe it was the Demon of Addiction. This demon in my dream was so powerful that he was destroying huge brick buildings w/ just the tip of his finger, then he flew on top of the utter destruction he’d caused and with the most “HATE” I have ever witnessed in my entire life he threw down the Bible and the Cross and the Grave with all the might he could muster, and with such hated and disdain. Then he flew up over me and disappeared into the ground in a cloud of dust. Mary Magdalene had several demons inside her, yet God chose her to be first in the garden of Jesus’ tomb that first Easter morning when He arose from the dead just like the prophets said He would. I’m not here to preach to anyone, to shove scripture down your throats, to persuade you to believe in anything. I’m just allowing the Holy Spirit to move upon and in me. After all I asked for this many times in prayers of desperation. Be careful what you pray for.
I’ve Been Redeemed! I’m no longer “in recovery”. I’m a ‘new’ creation, I’m not that person anymore. She’s dead and gone. I was taken by the hand and walked out of the darkness and into the Light. Praise God! Sound hokey? Oh well.
I feel like all over the place with this so it probably could use some editing and I’m not so certain that I’m qualified for that job. Please bear with me. Addiction is a disease of the brain, disease of the spirit, disease of the body, and soul.
This morning I read the article Russell Brand wrote and was published in the Guardian. I saved a copy for reference. Angels come in all shapes and sizes and Russell may very well be one. I do know this, we are kindred spirits, and I don’t mean that in a ‘stalker’ kind of way. I mean it as one addict relates to another addict. One addict helping another addict is without parallel. It’s proven successful for millions. Abstinence is a must also, but I’ve found a way to rid myself of ALL thoughts and cravings for all mind altering substances. I do not have to fight a thought glorifying drug use or it’s what I believed to be ‘benefits’, nor do I have to deal with cravings on any level. My addiction has been so far removed from me it’s difficult to comprehend. Me? Who stuck a needle in my arm/leg/neck/groin/foot every chance I got. The thought never crosses my mind.
I used to be beyond obsessed. Inherently I know that taking a drink or a drug unleashes the ‘Beast’ all over again, but more importantly I’ve come to believe that there is NOTHING in this life that a drink or a drug will make better, it will only makes matters worse. I know that you cannot make an addict suffer cold turkey through withdrawals that could be fatal. An addict will only be driven to use again more than ever before. Addicts must be medically detoxed and made as comfortable as humanly possible throughout their withdrawal period. A physically sick dope fiend will always choose relief over misery. I was detoxed in 7 days with Phenobarbital. I didn’t sleep or feel okay for about 8 weeks but I did not suffer.
There are no good drugs, they’re all bad. Drugs are poison. Living in darkness, serving the Evil one cuts one totally off from the ‘sunlight of the spirit’. You don’t have to spend another day, hour, moment in darkness, take my hand and walk with me in the Light.